


With the Heartbeat

by BlueBoxDetective



Series: A feeling Angel and an angelic Human [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 12:03:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20564021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueBoxDetective/pseuds/BlueBoxDetective
Summary: *Part of a series, but can be read as a stand-alone*Cas wants to scream, he needs to scream, but his throat is clogged; the noise is stuck in his lungs and is swelling up, blocking his airways. He gasps for air, but he can’t get any into his lungs, so he tries again, and again. He scrambles backwards, robbing through the mud, away from the body, away from the staring eyes.He can hear Dean say his name, as if he is right next to him, as if he wasn’t dead already, dead over and over again.///“Cas?” Dean's voice is dripping with worry, “Cas?”He doesn’t get an answer, he doesn’t even know if Cas has heard him. The angel is gasping for air as if he is drowning, and his fingers curl into the wet grass, ripping out whole patches.





	With the Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> Supernatural is a trademark of Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc., all rights reserved. My story is only shared for the enjoyment of others and is not intended to get myself any advantages or to create the feeling that the characters are my own.

The dark blue eyes widen as the sharp blade cuts deep into flesh, blood starting to seep into the white dress shirt. Dean pulls it out and stabs again, this time angling the blade upwards to the heart. The scream from the plump, red lips turns into a gurgle as thick, dark blood runs over them, dropping onto the collar of the trench coat. As Dean steps back, big hands clamp over the two wounds and try to stop the blood flow, but Dean has hit major blood vessels and there is nothing to be done.  
Dean swallows as Cas sinks to his knees, a painful groan spilling out of his mouth before he slumps forward and hits the ground. The messy hair lands in the mud, soaking up the dirt. The hunter steps towards the body, one hand outstretched, hesitates.  
“Dean,” Sam’s voice is quiet, but urgent, “come on, we have to find the second one.”  
With one last look Dean turns around and falls into a jog, following his brother into the woods. 

///

Cas holds his breath before he runs the knife through the plaid shirt and to the heart, feeling the ribs obstructing his way and pushing further. A hand clutches at his trench coat, green eyes finding his, and a faint whisper of his name flies through the air. Within seconds the hand falls and the spark of life fades from the eyes; the body hits the ground with a final *thunk*.  
Cas exhales, and his breath is shaky, before long the knife falls from his fingers, no longer able to hold on. The dead eyes still stare up at him, looking so familiar and yet so different. Blood is still seeping from the chest wound, dying the flannel dark red. A choked sound escapes Cas’ mouth and suddenly he is somewhere else, the trees around him gone, and instead he is surrounded by grey walls. He stares down, Dean is no longer wearing a flannel, but is dressed in blue jeans and an olive-green jacket. A single line of blood runs from the corner of his mouth, dead eyes staring up at Cas; as are countless other pairs of green eyes. Light flickers and he hears Naomi’s voice: “No hesitation. Quick. Brutal.” Cas can hear her smile. “Everything is back to normal.”  
The hundreds of dead Deans, staring at him with dead eyes, are gone when he feels a sharp pain surging through his body. The trees are back, as is the Dean in flannel, but he is suddenly closer. No, not Dean is closer, Cas is closer, he has fallen to his hands and knees, shaking breaths escaping his mouth.  
He can still hear an echo of the voice; he can hear the words as if Naomi was standing right beside him.  
“Finally.” Cas yelps as he sees Naomi’s satisfied smile, “You’re ready.”  
Cas wants to scream, he needs to scream, but his throat is clogged; the noise is stuck in his lungs and is swelling up, blocking his airways. He gasps for air, but he can’t get any into his lungs, so he tries again, and again. He scrambles backwards, robbing through the mud, away from the body, away from the staring eyes.  
He bumps into something, something behind him, maybe someone, and he is certain that Naomi will have another Dean right by her side. Right there, to test him again, and again he will see the life drain from those green eyes. Cas needs to run, he needs to run now, but he remembers, Naomi has screwed with his brain, so he can’t; Cas can’t run because Naomi doesn’t want him to.  
He closes his eyes, but it doesn’t help, the dead eyes are still there, staring at him, screaming at him. ‘Why’, and ‘Please’, Cas can hear them, and it shakes him to his core.  
He can hear Dean say his name, as if he is right next to him, as if he wasn’t dead already, dead over and over again.

///

Dean finds them both, the shapeshifter and the angel. Sam and he had split up when they couldn’t find either of them. He sees the shifter first, laying on his back in the mud, a wound to the chest. It is weird to see his own face laying there, dead eyes staring at the sky, but it isn’t as bad as seeing Cas’ face on the other shifter. His eyes pull from the dead monster and Dean scans the surroundings for a sign of Cas, and he swallows when he spots him.  
The angel is backed against a tree on all fours, his eyes closed and his clothes full of mud, rocking back and forth. His muscles are trembling violently, and his face is twisted in agony. The hunter rushes to his side and drops to his knees, eyes searching the angel’s body for potential injuries.  
“Cas?” His voice is dripping with worry, “Cas?”  
He doesn’t get an answer, he doesn’t even know if Cas has heard him. The angel is gasping for air as if he is drowning, and his fingers curl into the wet grass, ripping out whole patches.  
Dean’s hand hovers over Cas’ shoulder, unsure if he should touch him or not, and again he tries the angel’s name.  
Cas makes a noise that sounds like a wounded animal, and Dean feels it rip at his heart. Unable to bear it any longer he reaches out and grips Cas’ shoulder, and the angel jumps violently at the touch. Dean tries to reach him with his words:  
“Cas, it’s me. Talk to me Cas, hey, come on.”  
The angel’s eyes fly open and, after a second of surging over the surroundings, find his own. A flash of recognition crosses Cas’ eyes and suddenly he pulls away, falling to his side as he tries to put space between him and the hunter.  
His voice breaks as he whispers “Dean,” but there is no relief in it, on the contrary, is sounds beaten.  
“Yeah, it’s me, Cas,” the hunter whispers, holding up his hands and not moving closer, his guts clenching at the realization that he is somehow a threat to Cas.  
The angel yelps as he trips backwards over a root and falls on his bottom, and Dean is barely able to make out the words that leave Cas’ mouth.  
“I can’t kill you again, but she’ll make me. I killed you, Dean, I killed you, again and again, she’ll make me, she will-“  
It slowly dawns on Dean what Cas’s mind might be up to, and he tries to think of the right words to get through to Cas. He wishes Sam were here, since he is usually better with words.  
“I’m here Cas, the real me, I’m here. I’m okay, I’m alive, Cas. See?”  
Slowly he inches closer to the angel, who’s eyes are watching his every movement while his breath is still rushed and irregular.  
“I don’t want to kill you,” Cas presses out in shaky voice, hands gripping at the dirt again.  
“Nobody is going to kill me, I’m fine, I promise.”  
Dean is now close to the angel, and this time Cas doesn’t move away from him. A tiny sound escapes Cas as he stares at Dean with wide eyes, looking cloudy as if he still isn’t fully here.  
“I’ll show you,” Dean promises and slowly reaches out for Cas’ hand. As gently as possible he pries it away from the grass and brings it to his chest, holding it with both his hands as he places it right over his heart. Cas is still staring at him with the same expression of pure fear as Dean murmurs: “I’m alive. I’ve got you. You’re safe, I promise.”  
After a couple of seconds Cas’ eyes break away from Dean’s and drop to where Dean is holding his hand. Dean moves one of his hands in favor of stroking Cas’ arm, rubbing to reassure him, ground him in reality. The angel’s breath is still shallow, and Dean is certain that a human would have passed out by now because of the amount of oxygen in his system.  
Even though he is close to Cas now, he still barely hears him.  
“I killed you.”  
“No,” Dean tells Cas again, his voice as warm as he can manage, “You didn’t. You killed a shapeshifter that looked like me, but not me. I’m here, I’m real. Can you feel my heartbeat?”  
It takes Cas a couple of seconds before he manages a small nod. Dean gives him a reassuring smile. “There you go. I’m alive. I’ve got you.”  
The angel releases a shaky breath and, even though he is still trembling violently, some of the tension leaves his muscles. Dean takes it as a good sign and stretches the hand out that isn’t holding Cas’.  
“Wanna come closer?”  
This time, Cas’ nod comes quicker, and Dean collects him to his chest. Mud and water are seeping through his clothes, partly from the dirt he’s kneeing in, partly from Cas’ soaked clothes, but it doesn’t matter. Cas leans into him, and Dean guides his head close to where he is holding his hand, hopeful that Cas will be able to listen to his heartbeat. Dean knows that it helps him, but he doesn’t know how bad Cas is stuck in his memory of the past right now. He scolds himself for letting Cas go on his own. They should have known that he would have difficulties if he ran into shifter Dean, even though they thought he would run into the one that imitated himself. They should have been more careful.  
Dean slips an apology into the words he is muttering to the angel while he is stroking his back. With relief Dean notices that Cas’ breathing has calmed slightly and it feels like he is shaking less.  
It takes another 15 minutes before they can make their way back to the car.

///

Cas is curled up at his side, his hand resting on Dean’s chest. He looks at peace, eyes closed as if he is asleep, and his warm body is calming Dean. But for the first time in ages, Dean can’t sleep. Since they are back from the shifter hunt, an idea has nested itself into his brain, and he has been contemplating it for hours. It scares him, if he’s honest. He never thought he would be with someone that long. He briefly thought of it as possible when he was with Lisa, but when that ended in his world burning to ashes, he swore himself to never let anyone get that close to him again. He swore he would never hurt anybody again.  
But now he has Cas, for about nine months now, and the world still looks like it is glowing through his eyes. He can’t imagine it ever being any different, and the intensity of the feeling scares him. At the same time, he never wants it to go away.  
Dean sighs, and Cas rubs his chest at the sound.  
“Can’t sleep?”  
“No. My brain is riding the marry-go-round. I just can’t stop thinking.”  
Cas props himself up on his elbow. “What are you thinking about?”  
Dean looks at Cas’ eyes while he thinks about his answer. It is dark in the room, so he can’t see the dark blue irises, but he remembers.  
“You.” He states simply in the end, giving Cas a smile. The angel raises his eyebrows.  
“Care to elaborate?”  
Dean shrugs his shoulders before he leans in for a kiss. If he can’t sleep anyway, might as well seize the opportunity. Cas sighs softly as their lips meet and he melts into Dean.

///

“Sam?”  
Dean is fidgeting with the seam of his shirt and avoiding his brother’s eyes. Real unsuspicious, damn.  
“Hm?” Sam smiles at him from behind his laptop. The older brother grabs a random book from the shelf and looks at it, even though he doesn’t even read the words written on it. As casually as he manages, he continues:  
“Just wanted your thoughts on something.”  
“Sure, shoot.” The younger brother hits a few keys on the keyboard, but his body is turned towards Dean. Dean takes a deep breath before the words fall from his mouth. At least he got them out.  
“How fast is too fast?”  
Sam looks up, his brows furrowed. He has his thinking face on, but eventually answers: “Sorry. You’ll have to be a bit more specific.”  
Dean swallows and looks everywhere that is not his brother’s eyes.  
“You know, when you’re with someone. When is it going too fast?” The words are barely understandable, because he is talking so quickly, but Sam has years of practice in deciphering Dean’s hasty questions. The younger hunter closes his laptop and fully turns towards Dean, who is still standing in front of the bookcase.  
“Wanna sit down?” Sam asks him and pulls out the chair next to him. Dean rolls his eyes, but flops into the chair. He knows his cheeks are pink, but there’s nothing he can do about it. After a moment of silence, Sam speaks.  
“You want to know how to tell if things are going too fast?”  
Dean shrugs, purely out of reflex, before he sighs and nods.  
“Do you feel like things are moving too fast?” Sam questions, and Dean wants to shoot him an angry look for making this about him and Cas, but who is he kidding, of course it is. Dean swallows and tries to find a steady voice.  
“I don’t know. No. I don’t think so. It feels… good. But I don’t want to screw this up.”  
Sam gives him a sympathetic smile, and ten years earlier Dean would have hated it, but to be honest, it is kind of nice.  
“Has Cas said anything?”  
This time, Dean’s voice is sterner. “No, not at all. He’s good, as far as I can tell.”  
“Okay. So why are you thinking about going too fast?”  
Dean shrugs, and this time, he doesn’t follow up on it with an explanation. Sam scrutinizes him for a moment before he inquires:  
“Are you planning something that might move things along?”  
Dean’s cheeks turn so red that he doesn’t have to say anything for Sam to know he hit the bullseye. Sometimes Dean wonders if Sam still has some powers, because his ability to get what Dean thinks without him saying a word is out of this world. But he is glad Sam is able to, it saves him a lot of awkward talks.  
“What are you thinking about?” Questions Sam when Dean is still not saying anything.  
“’s just an idea, I haven’t decided yet. I just don’t want to… to run him into a corner or scare him off, you know?”  
Sam nods, but doesn’t inquire any further. A second later he asks: “You wanna hear what I’m thinking?”  
“Please.” Dean nods. Sam takes a deep breath.  
“So… Don’t take this the wrong way,” Sam shoots him an apologetic look, “But I’ve watched you two staring at each other for… I’ve lost count, so many years now. And now that you two are finally together, the staring has only gotten more intense.” Dean feels his cheeks blush again, but he doesn’t actually mind. “So, from my point of view…” Sam chuckles, “You two have moved things in the slowest possible way for *ages*.” Dean wants to shoot him an angry look again, but has to fight a laugh. His younger brother isn’t wrong. “So I think, if you are going quick now, you two are just making up for lost time. Cas isn’t just somebody you’ve met a year ago, you two have history. You know each other. Of course things are moving faster than they would with a stranger. If I had to judge by the way he looks at you, Dean, you are good. Whatever you have planned.”  
Dean is smiling by the time Sam has finished. His younger brother knew what he needed to hear.  
“Thanks, Sammy.” He pats him on the back. “I’m taking baby for a spin, and later Cas and I’ll be out. That okay?”  
“Absolutely,” Sam nods and smiles at Dean encouragingly.

///

“Where are we going?” Asks Cas as Dean pulls the Impala out of the garage.  
“It’s a surprise!” He replies enthusiastically, but chuckles at the face Cas is pulling.  
“I don’t like surprises.” The angel states grimly.  
“You’ll like this one,” Dean promises with a smile.

///

Cas’ face does light up when they reach the park of their first date. They had been here a couple of times since that day, and it was always somewhat special when they came here. Cas slips his hand in Dean’s as they stroll along the river. The sun starts to set and soon the world is turning a deep orange around them.  
“Like honey,” whispers Cas, and Dean kisses him.  
They end up on one of the benches, again. While Cas is watching a family of ducks, Dean is fidgeting with the small box inside his jacket. He can feel his heartbeat in his throat.  
He stares at the water. It is too soon. And too boring. It’s simply not the right time. His mind is providing horror scenarios for him, and he feels like he needs to run away. His second hand comes up to his chest, feeling for the single, black feather that is hidden beneath his layers of clothing. The part of Cas the angel had decided to give him forever.  
Maybe Cas would give him even more.  
He looks to his side, watching Cas’ silhouette against the setting sun. His Cas. Not only because of the fading bruises on his hip bone, but because he actually wants him. Maybe, just maybe, this is possible.  
“Cas?” His voice cracks, but Dean hopes the angel doesn’t notice. When Cas looks at him, he doesn’t look suspicious. Instead, a soft smile is spread across his lips.  
“So…” Dean rubs his free hand on his jeans while the other one curls around the small box. “I didn’t just bring you here to watch the ducks.”  
Cas looks back at the water before he states: “I would have been fine with that, too.”  
Dean grins. “I know. But I actually had something important to say.”  
Now he has Cas’ undivided attention, he can tell by the way the angel tilts his head and turns his upper body towards Dean. Cas looks… intrigued. Dean clears his throat.  
“Em… That run in with the shifter a few days back… It had me thinking.” Cas nods, his face now a lot sterner. He doesn’t like to think about that day, and Dean knows. “I know that hearing and feeling my heartbeat… that you like it. That it maybe even helps. So I had an idea.” The angel still looks curious, and Dean turns the box around in his hand. He swallows. “I knew…” He can hear his heartbeat in his throat. “I knew that there are… technologies out there that can show you the heartbeat of another person. And I thought… I thought it would be nice to get something like that for you. So I researched, and I found something I liked. But it is also something with… a lot of symbolism. I thought about it a lot, about us, about this,” he flings his hand between the two of them and notices it shaking, “and I decided, I would be okay. That I wanted to try. So I kinda got the idea from the shifter incident, but it became bigger. I…” Dean finally has to pause and gasp for air. Cas doesn’t look like he is about to run off, but he does look slightly confused. He notices Dean’s nervousness and places his hand on Dean’s knee, and the hunter smiles. He stares at the hand on his leg for a second, taking another breath and gripping the small box tight. His eyes find Cas’.  
“I went out and bought rings that let you feel your partners heartbeat. And I am scared that you might think this is too fast, but… I feel like it is good. Right. So.” Dean actually slides from the bench and to his knee, not something what he had planned, but he just felt like it. A voice in his mind calls him out for being a freaking sap, but at the moment he doesn’t care. All he can think about is the blue eyes resting on him. He pulls out the small box and opens it before holding it out for Cas.  
“Will you… would you…” he stutters and turns red, but on Cas’ lips he can watch a smile spreading. “Would you consider marrying me?”  
Cas opens his mouth, but before he has the chance to say anything Dean explains: “It doesn’t have to be, like, you know, tomorrow. It’s just, because they are rings, people might think… It doesn’t have to mean anything, if you don’t want it to, but I just thought. Uh, maybe this was stupid, I’m sorry Cas, I-“  
“Dean,” The angel interrupts him, his face serious. “Would you shut up for a second so that I can answer you.”  
Dean doesn’t know if it is the phrasing or the words alone, but he stops talking and stares up at the angel. When Cas sees that he’ll listen, the smile spreads back over his face.  
“I would definitively like to marry you, Dean. Now get up here so I can kiss you.”  
Dean laughs, not out of amusement, but out of relief. Cas simply grabs Dean under the arms and hauls him to his lap, and a second later their lips are melting together. There is nothing rushed or hurried about the kiss, it feels like a wordless declaration of love. They are both smiling when they break apart.  
“Can I give you the ring now?” Dean asks, just slightly out of breath.  
“Yes, please,” Cas nods and glances down at the black box. Dean fumbles a second before he gets the rings out and slides one on Cas’ hand; and the angle slides the other one on Dean’s. They are larger than the average ring, silver on the inside and black on the outside. The hunter taps the ring on Cas’ finger and a slim red line lights up around the ring.  
“That’s how you activate it,” Dean mumbles, and only a moment later the line blinks in the rhythm of a heartbeat. Dean’s heartbeat. Cas’ eyes widen as he feels the ring softly vibrate with the heartbeat; then he stares up at Dean. His mouth opens, then closes again.  
Dean speaks before Cas has found his voice again. “You’ll have to charge it now and again, because it’ll run out of battery. But I still thought it’s pretty awesome, and like this you can always feel my heartbeat if you want to. And I can feel yours. I don’t-“  
“What is it with you and all the talking today?” Cas asks with an actual grin. “I love it, Dean. And I love you.”  
The smile on Dean’s face is starting to hurt from getting too big. “I love you, too.”

///

Sam’s eyes nearly fall out of his head the next day at breakfast. His spoon with cereal is frozen in midair as he stares at Cas’ hand around the coffee mug.  
“What, swallowed your tongue?” Teases Dean as he sits next to Cas.  
Sam clears his throat. Twice.  
“I didn’t think… Is this… What…”  
When Sam doesn’t finish, Cas eventually speaks. “Dean proposed, if you are wondering.”  
Dean is sad that Sam is too shocked to drink anything, because he looks like he would have sputtered it everywhere. The older brother shakes his head in amusement as he asks:  
“What did you think I was talking about yesterday, Sammy? I didn’t think it was that inconceivable.”  
“I figured you were… talking about some kinky sex stuff or something.” Sam mutters and finally drops his spoon back into his bowl. His face gets at least some color back.  
“Oh Sammy, we are long past kinky sex stuff,” Dean grins as Sam’s cheeks turn pink. Cas glances at him and, to prove his point, Dean leans over to kiss Cas. When he pulls back, Sam seems more collected.  
“Well,” Sam clears his throat again, “congratulations. Maybe this is fast, but hey. I’m happy for you two.”  
Cas looks at Dean with a smile: “I think it is perfect timing.”


End file.
